I am SO sick of being asked for my why.

I was a Real Estate Agent, for a long time. Even at 31, my career in Real Estate was far longer than most, even those who were twice my age.

In Real Estate, it is a very mentally challenging job. You are dealing with people in the most stressful times of their lives, moving house, and usually there is a lot of financial stress surrounding this topic as well. When are you an agent, you do usually experience the absolute worst in people and you’re expected to cop the nonsense that comes with that. Therefore, your ‘Why‘ becomes of vital importance to get yourself through the difficult days. Having an understanding of what it is you want to achieve and why it is you’re there day in, day out, competing, hustling and in essence, burning yourself out is really the difference to those who make it in the industry and those who don’t.

I am no longer in Real Estate. I. burnt out, twice. The real reason for this cannot be credited to the industry itself, had of the only thing I dealt with in my twenties be my Real Estate career, I probably wouldn’t have needed a break from it all, but alas, that was not the hand I was dealt and instead, here we are with you reading my aggressive and traumatic response to why I hate being asked WHY I am doing something.

When it comes to writing about my experiences, the reason as to why is simply put, because I fucking want too. I have put up with so many of the difficult lessons, so early in life that I have now reached a point where I just want to do what I feel like, when I feel like doing it. And at the moment, that is writing about whatever comes to my mind on a daily, every other daily or weekly occurrence.

I am sick of schedules, I am over consistency, I have had enough of planning everything out within an inch of my life at the expense of my mental health and now, this space is Sarah’s. To do, and say whatever it is I feel like doing and saying, with no dead lines or expectations.

Eventually I know I will creep back into structure, I actually thrive on it. But this writing has been something I have attempted to do for five years now, I have sat down and attempted to create a platform to trauma dump on over, and over, and over and I finally have the time and the space to do so. But I also need to do so when I see fit.

The next person who comes to me and asks me what my end goal is in sharing all of this, I may actually throw something at you. So proceed with caution.

I know that until I have reached the space of getting the back log out of my head from the last few years, I can’t be hyper productive about this. Journalling to me feels pointless as writing about my experiences if no one is going to see it, isn’t going to get my experiences anywhere that can be helpful to people and I need to be able to believe I experienced what I did, so I could share it and help others who are going through similar stories. My grief and sadness cannot be wasted. There has to be more to it than ‘it was just my destiny.’

So at the moment, my why into anything and everything you’re seeing me do is because I bloody wanted too. And yes. I know there are people I know reading this in hopes of finding out what it is I am aiming to do with my life, but the answer you seek is not here. It’s not possible because I myself, do not have the answer to what it is I am aiming to do with my life, except make it less meaningless that my story was laid out to be so damn depressing.

I know it’s wild to assume a corporate boss lady who is an Auctioneer and is a very very skilled sales person just wants to sit at home putting stickers on pantry jars and learn how to make bone broth and gluten free home made pasta. But when you unpack that since I was a child, my world has been nothing but fighting through survival mode, medical trauma which has resulted in PTSD and a realisation that my childhood was not fantastic, I separated with my ex partner of I don’t even know how many years at this point, fought stage five leukemia in my bestest of friend and still somehow found a way to have the house, the car and the lifestyle of my dreams.. Maybe then, you might see how I never really got to know myself and what I wanted from my life, I just stumbled from one way to survive to the next.

And no, guys.. I am not going to be a stay-at-home wife and mum who does housework all day, everyday. I will get bored and find something else to sink my teeth into and create some other form of success off the back of all of this. But right now, for the first time in my life. My home is peaceful, my life is uneventful, I have happiness and a wonderful relationship. I am in a space where I can genuinely work on myself for who I am and the space to become the person I want to be.

And for now, who I want to be is an inconsistent blog writer with questionable grammar and awful spelling whose day is controlled by a sassy Border Collie and her cancer.

So take from that what you will.

Sarah x