Boundaries, girlfriend. I set my damn boundaries and then I upheld them.

Most will feel as though setting boundaries causes a “tower moment” for all those spiritual biddies out there. There is a few reasons why setting the boundaries for your life can feel chaotic before it feels good and you’re absolutely right to assume I am going to unpack them here and now at some obscenely early hour with zero sunlight in the sky.

Boundaries realign your life.

Especially when it comes to the people you share your life with. We spend so many hours in our days appeasing other people. Doing what they want, making sure everyone else is happy, trying not to disappoint the people we care about. But at the end of the day, did doing all of those things make you feel good? Or did you do something that you knew would be personally exhausting but ignored your own instinct and carry on anyway?

Stop that.

My strongest boundary, the hardest one I had to set and initially was the most difficult to hold the line of was “If I don’t want too, I am not going too”. It’s easy to do the “If I want to I will” boundary because we get immediate dopamine from that. I want the hang bag, I buy the hand bag.. DOPAMINE HIT.

But the “I don’t want to” boundary..? That one comes with delayed gratification. True happiness and growth comes from the things you do that have delayed gratification.

In the moment, saying no can cause a reaction in the other person which will initially make you uncomfortable.

Especially when they’re not used to you having boundaries to begin with. Shifting yourself from being a ‘peace keeping people pleaser’ to a ‘self aware boundary setter’ is a huge adjustment and it will cause a dynamic shift in relationships and your own reality.

But I also want to remind you that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. And yes, I mean anyone. There is not a single person on this planet who deserves any form of explanation as to why you made a decision for yourself, except for yourself.

However, in an intimate relationship, boundaries do need compassion. If you’re sharing your life with someone and the co-exist with you, softening those lines can have wonderful benefits, as long as it is reciprocated. To have one bend their own internal rules for the other all the time without it coming through in return causes a huge imbalance and will eventually lead to resentment of each other.

This is where the word compromise comes into play.

Let’s set an example.

I hate coriander. I must have that gene where coriander is just the worst thing I have ever consumed in my life.

My fiancé is in different to coriander. Won’t go out of his way to eat it, but is a huge advocate for Thai food which ALWAYS has coriander.

If we were to get Thai take away, with the addition of coriander I genuinely couldn’t eat the dish. Yet it is a key ingredient in finishing Thai dishes. His compromise here is we get Thai without coriander and it is a little bit less flavoursome for him.

But in return, I know his favourite dishes and I make sure when he is home that his top five meals end up on the table, without fail, every single home stint.

It’s about balance and compassion, not a points system.

We don’t keep a talley of ‘I did this so it’s your turn’ we just know each other well enough to understand that this particular boundary is not worth pushing, but that one over there has a bit of leeway and we work around each other in a manner of understanding that there are some occasions where I need to drop my line and some occasions where he needs to drop his.

Setting boundaries actually freed me from discomfort and heart ache. It took away the resentment for doing tasks that I couldn’t stomach and opened up more free time for things I love doing with my time.

Like writing this blog every day and handing out my unsolicited advice on random whimsical lessons I have learnt so far.

And I would not change a single thing, for anyone.

So, set your boundary, then hold the line girl. Hold that damn line.

Sarah x