I don’t even know where to begin here. The last twelve months has really taken a toll on my clarity more than anything and I am at a point where I don’t know what to do. It’s 4.36am as I start typing this and I have been awake for an hour.. Lack of sleep is a huge issue for me a the moment as I just can’t seem to work out why I feel the way I do.

We got married, we bought a business, we moved house, I lost my best friend in the entire world.. that last one is the kick in the guts though.

Nahla was more than just my dog, she had stage five Leukemia for over half her life and I was her sole care giver. She gave me hope and shared her strength, she gave me purpose and a reason for getting up every morning and everything feels bleak and heavy since she died.

Stagnant and stuck is the only way to describe what this space of not wanting to move forward in life without her by my side, so instead of doing anything is.. Sitting in nothing letting the world pass me by.

It is exceptionally strange to stay still for me. I am such a motivated person, with clear set goals and desires – and yet, none of them seem worth it anymore. I have been through a lot in my life, I have held grief and processed some of the heaviest life challenges people can face, but learning who I am.. even more than that, figuring out who the fuck I actually want to be without Nahla is like trying to swim through hot tar. It’s like trying to reach out for the leaf to pull yourself out of the quick sand and just not quite being able to reach it.

So here I am, back on my blog because when I was writing a year ago – I genuinely felt free. Being able to share my honest thoughts made me feel so free. And the reason i stopped was because of people in my real world and their own shit. Their insecurities and nonsense forced me to shut down my space because I hit the point of exhaustion..

But maybe that’s exactly what I am meant to do now. Nahla was so brave and endlessly kind, she wasn’t afraid to show her vulnerability even in the face of adversity and I just have to do SOMETHING to move this energy off me because it is unbelievably suffocating.

That is all I have for the moment..

Sarah x